10 Tips for Talking To Your Child About Sex | Therapy Stew

Posted by?Ali Goldfield?on?Monday, April 2nd 2012?????

Sex is an important part of being human. Not only does it involve the physical act of intercourse but it also involves a whole host of accompanying emotions. However, talking about sex is something most people would rather avoid doing and talking to your children about sex may come second to root canal on the list of things we would rather not do. Nevertheless, talking to your children about love, intimacy and sex is an important part of parenting. But how do you know when your child is ready to talk about sex and how, as a parent, do you broach the subject?

The first step in talking to your children about sex is recognizing what they can understand, given their age and level of development. Below are general guideline to what your child can understand, in age-appropriate terms, and what types of questions they may ask:

What A Child Can Understand

• Ages 2-3: The right words for penis and vagina
• Ages 3-4: That a baby comes from Mommy?s tummy
• Ages 4-5: How a baby is born
• Ages 6-7: A general idea of how babies are made ranging from ?mommy and daddy made you together? to ?a tiny cell inside daddy called a sperm joined with a tiny cell inside Mommy called an egg.?
• Ages 8-9: The basics of intercourse, its importance in marriage, love and relationships and a basic understanding of safety topics, such as sexual abuse and rape.
• 9-11: The changes associated with puberty and an awareness of sex-related topics on the news.
• Age 12+: Formulation of their own values about sex and sexuality

When you were younger, it?s likely that the one thing you dreaded most was the infamous ?sex talk? with your parents. Experts today recognize that the best way to prepare your child is actually not to have ?the sex talk.? Instead, it?s best to begin teaching your child about sex and sexuality at birth.

Laying the foundation for an open dialogue about sex and sexuality should begin as early as possible. Studies show that kids who feel that they can talk with their parents about sex ? because their parents are not uncomfortable talking openly about it and listen to what their kids have to say ? are less likely to engage in high-risk sexual behaviors as teenagers than kids who do not feel they can come to their parents with questions and concerns.

Learning about sexuality is a normal part of child development and trying to answer your child?s questions in an open, honest and age-appropriate way is always the best strategy. When beginning the dialogue about sex and sexuality, parents should respond to the needs and curiosity level of their child, offering no more or no less information than the child can understand. Here are some steps to follow:

1. Start Early: By talking to your child about sex and sexuality early on, in a very simple, age-appropriate way, you will get more comfortable talking about sex so when the really big questions come up, it won?t hit you out of the blue.
2. Take the Initiative: If your child is not asking questions about sex, look for opportunities to bring it up. Taking them to the farm in the spring when the calves and lambs are born or asking them how they think the baby got into your friend?s belly is a great way to break the ice.
3. Use Teachable Moments: When you?re at the movies with your pre-teen or see a couple kissing on the street, use these moments to explore how your child feels about relationships and sex.
4. Give Accurate, Age-Appropriate Information: While a 3-year-old doesn?t need to know the explicit details of sexual acts, by laying a solid foundation with age-appropriate information, you are opening the door for future conversations.
5. Talk About The Emotional Aspects of Sexuality: When talking about sex, make sure your child knows that adult relationships are more than just sex. They involve care, concern, and responsibility. Discussing the consequences of sexual activity should also be included in conversation with any pre-teen or teenage child.
6. Anticipate the Next Stage: It?s scary enough growing up and changing. If your child is prepared for the next stage of puberty before it happens, you will reduce any anxiety that your child will experience.
7. Talk About The Opposite Sex: Don?t forget to include a dialogue about what?s happening to the other sex as well.
8. Make Your Values Known: While it?s important to talk about the mechanics of sex, it?s important to make sure your child knows and understands your values about love, sex and relationships. They may not adopt all your values as they grow but at least they will be aware of them.
9. Model a Healthy Relationship with Your Spouse: Your relationship with your partner is your child?s first model of a relationship. By treating each other with respect, enjoying each other?s company and modeling a caring and compassionate relationship, your child will seek that out in a future partner.
10. Relax: It?s ok if you don?t know all the answers to your child?s questions. A willingness to explore the answers together will go a long way toward ensuring that the lines of communication stay open.

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